Anger

Today was a very rocky day.  First I get into an argument with my mom over moving out.  Nasty words were flying everywhere...all the comparisons came into play...all the victim shits were revealed.  Of course, my automatic was to give it right back.  It's a vicious cycle that never ends.  One day things seem all peaceful and calm and the next day all the shit hits the fan.  I hate all the fucked up things that she says about my boyfriend and the shits that are said behind my back.  All the accusations, all the stories.  I think back to the question "how did I create this and how am I accountable?" It's such a mess and I can't even trace back to when all this anger began.  Actually I do know and it's been as far back as I can remember my childhood.  How am I accountable?  Honestly, I really don't give a shit about how I'm accountable.  I do feel that I have the right to be mad.  Call me a victim...there's nothing I haven't heard about me anyway.  So after all the backstabbing, nagging, bitching, manipulating, controlling and abuse...I have a deep anger towards my family.  And like I said, it never ends...everyday there's more to be added.  As I was talking to Mike today, if what I do for my family isn't enough and according to my parents, it really isn't enough...then what they gave me wasn't enough as well.  I only mirror them.  I never got it the way I got it today.  I actually thought all along that I've been very good to my family but well...it's just not enough and I'm still fucked up someway somehow. 

I thought I'd call up my sister in law to talk with her but what I heard from her just pierced right through my heart and I was in total shock.  I can't believe that she agreed with my parents.  Just suck it up and deal with it, you have it way better than your older brother.  I was furious at what she said...how dare she fucking try to shove his life to me.  So if my life was worse than his, does that make it better?  She told me that I should at least bring home some money...but if I have none then what the fuck am I to bring home?  All they fucking do is demand shit from me...but not once have I heard them sincerely ask me about what's going on in my life.  Every fucking time I see any of these people they give me faces and throw their anger and frustration with their own life at me.  Like I'm supposed to fucking go and make their lives better.  She had the nerves to tell me that even if I don't bring home money, don't ask my parents for money.  That hurt me so bad...I was like "when did I ask them for money???!!!  I never did...no matter how broke I am...I would rather borrow from someone else than go and ask them for money...how am I asking them for money???"  hah...she then said that she heard it from my mom.  Gee...I'm so surprised...ha..."oh and if you don't bring home money, at least help out at home..."  What the fuck?  you mean doing the laundry, cooking, taking care of her in the mornings, and late nights when she gets sick isn't enough???  Where the hell were you when I had to get up in the middle of the night?  Where the hell were you fuckers when I have to test her blood in the morning?  Where the fuck are you people when I had to sit there and suffer her bitching whenever you pissed her off???  It's always easy for the others to point and scrutinize but when the tables turn, everyone runs and leaves me to take it all.  So I say she hates my boyfriend and always criticizes him...oh..."don't bring him home then"  Okay, that's what I did and so I go out to hang out with him...now what the fuck is wrong with that?  "well..." "Well???"  Shut your fucking mouth up if you don't know half the shit that goes around in this fucked up family.  It's so fucking easy to be judging from a happy place far away from this home.  I asked her if I wasn't helping out at the house then what about the little one?  All he ever does is come home on the weekends to do his laundry and then he disappears for the entire week.  Never had I seen him in the kitchen, or doing anything for anyone else around here.  So I try to keep peace, make everyone happy and it's not good enough.  Should I fucking slave around here until my body's dragging on the floor...seconds from death and that would make it enough?  Ha...everyone has a tough day at work, and with everyday shits...but it's okay for me to be sitting here taking it all in but not okay for me to say one word about how stressful my day is and how things have been so unfair at home.  I'm so disappointed and totally shocked that my sister in law sees me this way.  So I'm just a freeloader that doesn't bring home money, doesn't help out at home, and should just do everything to make everyone happy.  Just don't step on anyone's toes.  I never thought she would hold me that way...I feel a deep resentment towards her and I feel like I've been betrayed.  I called her looking for comfort and just someone to talk to and then I get a lecture from her and then "I gotta go see the baby, just think about it" and then hangs up on me.  I didn't even get to say two words.  What the fuck?  I see how it is...knowing that she thinks of me this way and that my family sees me this way as well...why should I still come home?  Where is my self respect and self worth?  Where is my dignity?  All this shit is just because I don't bring home money and that they don't like Mike.  What the fuck?  I asked her how she could just listen to the things that Mom tells her and make these assumptions about me...and she fucking ironically said that she knows that half the stuff she says isn't true but I still have it alot better than my older brother.  So???  Times have changed, demands have changed, the way of life has changed as well...we can't keep recreating the past and I will not live my life the same way he did.  Just because he suffered and she fucking feels sorry for him does not mean that I have to go and create the same fate for myself...just so that they can say...you're one of us. 

I had to sit through constant bitchings and when I look like I'm disinterested in hearing it...I get the nastiest words thrown at me.  So I don't get to talk about me at home...and it never gets to be about me anyway around here...but oh...it's not okay for me to talk about me even outside of this place.  So I go through a hectic day at work...nonstop insanity and at the end of the day I get more at home...but oh...um...Kate...you still don't get to make it about you. 

All along, I've had a deep sense of deprivation.  I do feel that it's unfair that I had to grow up in the conditions that I did.  I resent that I had to grow up before my time and take care of the household.  I resent that I had to take the blame for everyone.  I was always the rubbish, the black sheep, the one that's fucked up and disgraceful.  What the hell did I do?  Just because the stories that they made up about me seems so true to them, it makes it true about me?  I resent that I couldn't go out and have fun like every child I knew.  I resent that I didn't have loving caring parents.  I resent that my older brother taunted me when I was a child.  I was scared shitless every day of my life growing up just because I didn't know when the time bomb in them would go off.  Just a simple face would send me mentally hiding under the table.  You ask me why I'm so angry with them?  Why I'm such an angry person?  I do feel that the world owes me.  Never had anyone apologized for the things that I had to go through.  No one ever fucking gave me compassion.  It was alright, I'll make it through.  So what the fuck do you want from me?  So I'm not open enough? Not vulnerable enough...not fun enough, not enough not enough not enough???  I'm not giving enough?  Not humble enough?  Who the fuck has given to me?  I give a gift and I get it thrown back at me because it's not good enough and I'm fucked up because I didn't get the more expensive one.  I had to pretend that everything was okay everyday of my life.  I try hard to pretend that my family is alright and just laugh things off.  I fucking fight every day to not believe the shits that they tell me about me.  Yes I'm exhausted.  Why do I need to go through this?  What have I done to them and what the hell did I ever do that was so wrong that I must endure what I had to go through all my life up to now?  No one has ever apologized for the way I was treated.  So whatever, if I'm still fucked up and being  a victim then so be it. 

The Tune

So who knows what's going on in here?  All the noise, all the drama, all that I've endured.  I'm thoroughly exhausted, but I'm still standing tall and solid like a deeply rooted tree.  It's almost like it doesn't affect me.  Who cares and who knows?  Why do I have to be everywhere and why do I have to be the strong one for people to lean on or even not to be a burden on others?  Who do I have to lean on?  What do you mean "why do you need someone to lean on?"  Am I not human enough to be supported and to fall?  Is it not okay with you to be vulnerable and to breakdown?  You know, I've been through alot of shit lately, I blamed it all on you because you're not here when I needed you and you don't seem to care enough to be here for me.  I realized that I keep trying to get you to be here for me when you really don't want to.  I will not force someone to do something that they don't want to.  This past week, I realized that I really don't miss you that much and I'm really strong enough to handle my things myself.  I don't need you at all. I remembered being here in the same spot and thinking that you're really not good enough for me.  Why didn't I trust myself at that time?  And now, there's another chance for me...someone who treats me good, someone who gives me what I deserve but I'm holding back because I'm unsure.  Even a tinge of uncertainty of you...I need to be free.  I don't even know why I'm writing all this stuff, I guess I'm still trying to hold you accountable for all my misery and pain.  But it's okay, I know I'm responsible and I've created all of it.  I can clean it up without your help.  Thank you.